Birthday resolutions

Every year i like doing a list of birthday resolutions equal to how old i am just to have something to look forward to.
But this year, i think i only have 3.
Here it goes.

1. Books, books, books!

2. Go to places (will forever be in my list)

I haven't been to any place this year and its kinda sad y'know. I'd like to travel even atleast once a year. There's so much things to see in this world and letting a chance slip away is not really... agh! Anyways, i still have a month before 2013 right? 

3. To be completely self-reliant, happy person.

Yes, to be completely happy without depending on anyone. To finally let go of those things which drag me down to the bottom. To let go of all the not so nice things inside me and give some space for kindness and happiness.

I think if i've chosen to be happy, the rest of the other things will follow. So that's it for now i guess. first things first. 

happy birthday to me. :)

The perks of holding back

I used to hold back my feelings to someone before, 

at the end i got hurt because I refused to be honest with what i really feel.

So I told myself that the next time I fall inlove, I'm not gonna withhold anymore,

I wont suppress what i really feel.

And then, the second chance came.

I did what I had to do. 

I became honest to what's really inside me. 

But at the end, it hurts more than it hurts the first time.

It freaking hurts that I'd do anything, I'd move the heaven and earth if i can

just so i wont have to go through that phase again.

It hurts because it felt like nothing's left for me anymore.

I feel empty because I gave all of me.

I've open up to someone but in the end, a betrayal took place.

Pause for a while

I could really use a vacation right now.
Somewhere a little far.
Somewhere new.
Some place that could wow me and take my mind off of things that have been keeping me awake at night.
It's kinda depressing y'know.
All of these things, they are sad as they are.
I know I shouldn't feel crappy, no christian should.
And what makes it more depressing is because i kinda feel like i do.
So i want to pause for a second.
I want to take a break from all of these.
Everything just reminds me of last year and i'm struggling too hard to survive each day without breaking down infront of anyone.
As devastating as it is, i'm hoping that I won't be bothered anymore by someone coz atleast I know if i get through this phase,
i'll be fine.
I know i will...
... with God's help.

Drawing Lines

Today i will draw a line.

A line that will separate me from you.

A line that shouldn't be crossed nor glanced...

because if I do, not-so good things will happen.

Really, things are getting sad and pathetic and stupid.

It's hard to keep up coz things happened too fast.

Too fast that I didn't even had time to stop and analyze for a while.

And now, things are falling apart.

I don't know what happened, I don't know what went wrong.

I dont understand how some thing that seems so perfect ended up in chaos.

And I'm trying my hardest, to be fine... to be ok.

I've been here already.

I know how this world look like... how it feels like.

It just takes a little of getting use to.

I will get through this.

I just have to continue putting up a good show.

A little blinking of eyes - to push the tears back.

Inhale, Exhale - to calm your emotion

Swallow hard - to send the bitter taste and the whimpering away.

Smile and Laugh - and hope that eventually, your hypothalumus will believe that you are happy.

So yes, this is the line that I drew for us.

And I pray to have that will power not to cross it ever again.