How weird are you?

Sometimes, we meet people who are seem weird.

But due to our social obligations, we put up with them.

We accept them because that's the right thing to do.

And then, we get to know them, like really know them.

And soon we will like them.

We will get so used with their weirdness that we don't even notice it anymore

We won't even see these people as weird at all. 

And eventually, you'll see yourself doing what they do.

And you'll also become seemingly weird to others and they'll put up with you. 

And they'll like you.
And eventually they'll do what you do.

Yes, the world is a big weird thing.

Happy Birthday to me

here's a message for someone...
To the One who's always been there for me.
To the One who saved me in every way a person can be saved.
To the One who never left my side...
who never stop loving me...
of showing me kindness.
Regardless of my shortcomings and wrong doings He's always been there for me, warming me with his love.

I know i don't deserve Him.
I know i keep on letting him down, keep on disappointing him, hurting him...  and I am sorry.

I'm sorry that i know i'll never be worthy of his love and kindness.
I'm sorry that i can never reach up to his expectations.
I'm sorry that i'm a failure.

But this is all i am.
And He is all i got.
And i dont know what i'd do, and where i'd be if he gave up on me...
if he left me or get tired of me.

So up to this moment, i am trying. and fighting... fighting hard.. to be worthy of Him.
To deserve his love. Because that's all i got. His love.
And that's all i need... His love and mercy.

And now that another birthday is coming.. I am thanking Him, for guiding me all this years, for keeping me safe and loved and for making me feel that I am not alone in this fight.

Thank You Lord for making me feel Your presence when everything feels like falling apart.
Thank You for showing me that there's more to life than what we're seeing... than what we're experiencing. Thank You for making me feel secure and for giving me comfort when i am hurt.
Thank You for making me feel strong at times when i am most vulnerable.
Thank You for unceasingly blessing me.
Thank You.

I hope I can put to words exactly how grateful and thankful i am but there's just no enough words to tell how great and kind You are.
So i hope this simple Thank You can say exactly what i want to tell you.
Thank You.

Birthday resolutions

Every year i like doing a list of birthday resolutions equal to how old i am just to have something to look forward to.
But this year, i think i only have 3.
Here it goes.

1. Books, books, books!

2. Go to places (will forever be in my list)

I haven't been to any place this year and its kinda sad y'know. I'd like to travel even atleast once a year. There's so much things to see in this world and letting a chance slip away is not really... agh! Anyways, i still have a month before 2013 right? 

3. To be completely self-reliant, happy person.

Yes, to be completely happy without depending on anyone. To finally let go of those things which drag me down to the bottom. To let go of all the not so nice things inside me and give some space for kindness and happiness.

I think if i've chosen to be happy, the rest of the other things will follow. So that's it for now i guess. first things first. 

happy birthday to me. :)

The perks of holding back

I used to hold back my feelings to someone before, 

at the end i got hurt because I refused to be honest with what i really feel.

So I told myself that the next time I fall inlove, I'm not gonna withhold anymore,

I wont suppress what i really feel.

And then, the second chance came.

I did what I had to do. 

I became honest to what's really inside me. 

But at the end, it hurts more than it hurts the first time.

It freaking hurts that I'd do anything, I'd move the heaven and earth if i can

just so i wont have to go through that phase again.

It hurts because it felt like nothing's left for me anymore.

I feel empty because I gave all of me.

I've open up to someone but in the end, a betrayal took place.

Pause for a while

I could really use a vacation right now.
Somewhere a little far.
Somewhere new.
Some place that could wow me and take my mind off of things that have been keeping me awake at night.
It's kinda depressing y'know.
All of these things, they are sad as they are.
I know I shouldn't feel crappy, no christian should.
And what makes it more depressing is because i kinda feel like i do.
So i want to pause for a second.
I want to take a break from all of these.
Everything just reminds me of last year and i'm struggling too hard to survive each day without breaking down infront of anyone.
As devastating as it is, i'm hoping that I won't be bothered anymore by someone coz atleast I know if i get through this phase,
i'll be fine.
I know i will...
... with God's help.

Drawing Lines

Today i will draw a line.

A line that will separate me from you.

A line that shouldn't be crossed nor glanced...

because if I do, not-so good things will happen.

Really, things are getting sad and pathetic and stupid.

It's hard to keep up coz things happened too fast.

Too fast that I didn't even had time to stop and analyze for a while.

And now, things are falling apart.

I don't know what happened, I don't know what went wrong.

I dont understand how some thing that seems so perfect ended up in chaos.

And I'm trying my hardest, to be fine... to be ok.

I've been here already.

I know how this world look like... how it feels like.

It just takes a little of getting use to.

I will get through this.

I just have to continue putting up a good show.

A little blinking of eyes - to push the tears back.

Inhale, Exhale - to calm your emotion

Swallow hard - to send the bitter taste and the whimpering away.

Smile and Laugh - and hope that eventually, your hypothalumus will believe that you are happy.

So yes, this is the line that I drew for us.

And I pray to have that will power not to cross it ever again.

28 on 28th

I don't know why people get kinda obsessed with my age. 

ok, so I'm not telling them how old i am, so what? Why the big deal?

But today I decided to solve the freaking mystery here.

There's really no reason why I aint telling anyone my age.
It's just for my own satisfaction.
It just feels good to have something to hold back to people.
Yeah, just that. It's not because of something important.
But apparently, curiosity is people's natural characteristic.
The more you prefer not to share it with them, the more they want to know it.

So there goes my reason.

It's not because i'm afraid of getting old whatsoever!
Trust me I'm not. 

Specially when i know that i look younger than my real age (ok kath where's the modesty here? haha

In reality  I'm a bit looking forward to old age.
Old age means knowledge.
And I'm a sucker for knowledge.
I'm curious to what the future will actually bring.

And well, to tell the truth here, I wanna get old... ok, but not too old. 

45 is "too" old for me haha. And I'm honestly hoping for a good riddance before I get "too old" (oh, please, don't judge haha) 

Writing this blog makes me think if I can still pull off the 4-years younger joke in the future... well, i hope so. hihi.

So what makes today special?

Been hiding my real age since seventeen and I think I've done enough hiding already.

So today I want the world to know that on 28th I'm going to be 28!

Yes, that's what make it special.

I'm actually proud and happy of reaching this age.
I'm grateful for everything I have now that I've reached this age.

I have everything that I need.

Everything that I SHOULD have. 

I'm living my life as a Christian and I am trying my hardest to serve my purpose. I am blessed and loved. 

So yes, I think I'm living my life to the fullest. 

And I am thankful because never did it occur to me that I'll actually reach this age feeling fulfilled and happy.