Birthday resolutions

Every year i like doing a list of birthday resolutions equal to how old i am just to have something to look forward to.
But this year, i think i only have 3.
Here it goes.

1. Books, books, books!

2. Go to places (will forever be in my list)

I haven't been to any place this year and its kinda sad y'know. I'd like to travel even atleast once a year. There's so much things to see in this world and letting a chance slip away is not really... agh! Anyways, i still have a month before 2013 right? 

3. To be completely self-reliant, happy person.

Yes, to be completely happy without depending on anyone. To finally let go of those things which drag me down to the bottom. To let go of all the not so nice things inside me and give some space for kindness and happiness.

I think if i've chosen to be happy, the rest of the other things will follow. So that's it for now i guess. first things first. 

happy birthday to me. :)

The perks of holding back

I used to hold back my feelings to someone before, 

at the end i got hurt because I refused to be honest with what i really feel.

So I told myself that the next time I fall inlove, I'm not gonna withhold anymore,

I wont suppress what i really feel.

And then, the second chance came.

I did what I had to do. 

I became honest to what's really inside me. 

But at the end, it hurts more than it hurts the first time.

It freaking hurts that I'd do anything, I'd move the heaven and earth if i can

just so i wont have to go through that phase again.

It hurts because it felt like nothing's left for me anymore.

I feel empty because I gave all of me.

I've open up to someone but in the end, a betrayal took place.

Pause for a while

I could really use a vacation right now.
Somewhere a little far.
Somewhere new.
Some place that could wow me and take my mind off of things that have been keeping me awake at night.
It's kinda depressing y'know.
All of these things, they are sad as they are.
I know I shouldn't feel crappy, no christian should.
And what makes it more depressing is because i kinda feel like i do.
So i want to pause for a second.
I want to take a break from all of these.
Everything just reminds me of last year and i'm struggling too hard to survive each day without breaking down infront of anyone.
As devastating as it is, i'm hoping that I won't be bothered anymore by someone coz atleast I know if i get through this phase,
i'll be fine.
I know i will...
... with God's help.

Drawing Lines

Today i will draw a line.

A line that will separate me from you.

A line that shouldn't be crossed nor glanced...

because if I do, not-so good things will happen.

Really, things are getting sad and pathetic and stupid.

It's hard to keep up coz things happened too fast.

Too fast that I didn't even had time to stop and analyze for a while.

And now, things are falling apart.

I don't know what happened, I don't know what went wrong.

I dont understand how some thing that seems so perfect ended up in chaos.

And I'm trying my hardest, to be fine... to be ok.

I've been here already.

I know how this world look like... how it feels like.

It just takes a little of getting use to.

I will get through this.

I just have to continue putting up a good show.

A little blinking of eyes - to push the tears back.

Inhale, Exhale - to calm your emotion

Swallow hard - to send the bitter taste and the whimpering away.

Smile and Laugh - and hope that eventually, your hypothalumus will believe that you are happy.

So yes, this is the line that I drew for us.

And I pray to have that will power not to cross it ever again.

28 on 28th

I don't know why people get kinda obsessed with my age. 

ok, so I'm not telling them how old i am, so what? Why the big deal?

But today I decided to solve the freaking mystery here.

There's really no reason why I aint telling anyone my age.
It's just for my own satisfaction.
It just feels good to have something to hold back to people.
Yeah, just that. It's not because of something important.
But apparently, curiosity is people's natural characteristic.
The more you prefer not to share it with them, the more they want to know it.

So there goes my reason.

It's not because i'm afraid of getting old whatsoever!
Trust me I'm not. 

Specially when i know that i look younger than my real age (ok kath where's the modesty here? haha

In reality  I'm a bit looking forward to old age.
Old age means knowledge.
And I'm a sucker for knowledge.
I'm curious to what the future will actually bring.

And well, to tell the truth here, I wanna get old... ok, but not too old. 

45 is "too" old for me haha. And I'm honestly hoping for a good riddance before I get "too old" (oh, please, don't judge haha) 

Writing this blog makes me think if I can still pull off the 4-years younger joke in the future... well, i hope so. hihi.

So what makes today special?

Been hiding my real age since seventeen and I think I've done enough hiding already.

So today I want the world to know that on 28th I'm going to be 28!

Yes, that's what make it special.

I'm actually proud and happy of reaching this age.
I'm grateful for everything I have now that I've reached this age.

I have everything that I need.

Everything that I SHOULD have. 

I'm living my life as a Christian and I am trying my hardest to serve my purpose. I am blessed and loved. 

So yes, I think I'm living my life to the fullest. 

And I am thankful because never did it occur to me that I'll actually reach this age feeling fulfilled and happy.

Appreciate them

We shouldn't take advantage of the person who's always there for us. 

Yes, it may seem to us that they wont go anywhere,
that they will always stay no matter what,
but it wont happen.

You see, its kinda tiring to love a person when
all that person gave in return is heartache.

So love back that person who loves you and
stays with you through hardships.
let them feel how much they mean to you before it's too late.
before that person gets tired of you...
before that person thinks that you are not worth it.

before they feel used and wronged.

Appreciate them, seriously.

Nonsensical Pain

I'm not fine. 

I'm hurt and bruised, not physically of course 

but I think hurting physically is better than to what I feel right now. 

I need to make myself feel better.

I need to nurse my heart back to health... back to usefulness. 

My tearduct is like an open dam, I feel like crying all the time.

You know i've never liked nonsensical pain. 

I dont like feeling miserable and pathetic. 

Damn that person who made me feel this shit.

Why do I have to feel crap over the loss of something I never had?